Into the black hole

I am just kind of weirded out. I do not know how it was for others when they lost someone close to them. But I am having a hard time with things. I am going to try to explain it. Please do not think that this means I am going to go jump off a bridge. But it is something that I am struggling with.

I do not know how I managed to avoid it for 36 years, but I have managed to not really take in the totality of death.. until now. The sheer paranoia I feel when I think that one day, I am never going to wake up... that's the end of me, I almost think that medication would help calm the anxiety down. The world will go on, without me in it. The thought scares the shit out of me.

I never doubted my faith. And I still do not. I believe in what I believe. But I have no control over these thoughts. They come in, play it out in a way where my brain will throw me into a panic because picturing eternity is an impossibility.

I just don't know. I really don't.